i know that i haven’t used this thing in a long time, and if no one reads this it’s okay. i’ve just been feeling all kinds of emotions lately and i feel like i have no where to dump them off. i have the best friends in the world, but even they get tired of hearing the same story over and over again. i can’t say that i blame them though, i’d get tired of listening to me cry all the time over someone that doesn’t even give two shits about me anymore. 

i grew a pair of balls and finally confronted him about everything that was going on. even though we had broken up, we were still talking and hanging out every now and then. when we did, it was almost as if we didn’t even break up at all. we were definitely EWB, exes with benefits. which, you know, at first i didn’t mind because i liked to think in my fucked up head that maybe, just maybe, we’d wind up back together if we could get through this. well, even though we were doing that, he was still going about his business, going out and meeting girls when he could and drinking with his friends. now, he wasn’t doing anything wrong persay, but throw me a fucking bone here. if you’re going to do that, don’t call me for a fucking booty call and make me think that you have any intentions of us being back together at any time. 

anyway, one night i finally got fed up with everything and i asked him what he wanted. when we had broken up, he told me that after the academy maybe we can see where we both are at and go from there. i’ve been dreading the answer to this question because i knew in my heart that it wasn’t going to be something that i wanted to hear. i guess i was finally ready to hear what i’ve been avoiding for so long. he liked being single. he liked doing what he wanted. he liked to be with whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted. i’m sorry, but when we were together i never told him “no”. he hung out with his friends, and i hung out with mine. i’m not that kind of girl. he also told me that he thought what we were doing was “just for fun”. just for fun? JUST FOR FUCKING FUN?!!? you ripped out my heart when you broke up with me in the first place and you honestly think that what we were doing was just fun and games to me? if you fucking told me to jump off a building for you, i would have. 

i still feel like that used toy that he just got bored with. now when i see pictures of him pop up every now and then, it’s with this pretty blonde girl and i can’t help but think that he’s already moving on. how is it so easy for him to act like nothing is happening? how can he just move on after 5 years like it’s nothing? better yet, why can’t i just fucking forget him. i feel like i’m being haunted by everything we used to be, and i just want to be able to shrug it off like he can. he was always like that though. no emotion, no anything. 

there was a point to this, and i was going to have a huge climax, but instead i’m sitting here like a fucking asshole crying. this is what i hate, i’m not this girl!!!!! he’s made me into someone i hate and i can’t find that person i used to be. i know she’s there somewhere, but exactly where i don’t know. 

love really is insanity. there is no other way to look at it. 

all i  have to say is you don’t deserve me. you don’t deserve me.